Oh, the Horror!

I have arranged a horror triple-feature. I watched "Vacancy" and "Disturbia," and now I'm starring in a horror flick of my own, called "Packing for a Business Trip." I have just discovered that a) I have forgotten my computer power cord AGAIN at the office and b) I also forgot to charge my blackberry. Yeah. I'm gonna be SO useful over the next couple of days. We're gonna be recording requirements the old-fashioned way. Hell, if I misplace my pen, we may be using stone tablets.

"Vacancy" was a pleasant surprise. As far as casting is concerned, I was excited about one of the two main characters. Luke Wilson is welcome in any movie for any reason (the episode of "X-Files" where he played the bucktoothed weirdo/devlishly handsome vampire was one of my all-time favorites). Kate Beckinsale...well, I'm not her key demographic. She's a lot more fun to watch with a randy 30-something-year-old man. Especially if no actual Kate Beckinsale is available when the lights go on after the movie. (What? It's not technically "leftovers" if the guest of honor never showed up. It's a boon! Say it with me girls: "Boon!")

"Vacancy" falls into the "snuff films are real" sub-genre that's basically making me afraid to stay anywhere other than a five-star hotel (see how that works out?). If these films are to be believed every motel that's more than a block from mainstream civilization is a deathtrap, so naturally the motel where our characters end up is running a successful snuff film business out of the honeymoon suite.

"Vacancy" exercises tasteful restraint in following a formula recently redefined (and not in a good way) by "Hostel" and "Hostel II." The Hostel movies are of the "ten pounds of shit in a five pound bag" school of violence. In "Vacancy," we get enough glimpses to get that horrible sinking feeling of "typical domestic scene goes bad" (the core of a lot of good horror), but for the most part the violence is offscreen, wide-shot, or seen from behind something or someone (saves me the trouble of putting my hands over my eyes) and does not look like it required an advanced anatomy class for the special effects team. It's also (gasp) advancing the plot rather than merely hiking up the body count. Refreshing, no?

The other endearing part of the movie is the bickering between the Kate/Luke couple, who are this close to signing divorce papers after a tragic accident claimed their toddler. Oh, yes...finding out you're starring in a snuff film is THE way to fix a marriage. Everyone should try it. I see a themed marriage boot camp with an ironclad waiver. The insults and the tension and the nasty end-of-marriage dynamic are a great way to make you care that little bit extra about the characters--everyone in the audience is bound to identify with one of them. You almost hope they both survive, just because you just know that argument about the apple doesn't look that important any more, plus, what a teambuilding exercise! ("There's no `i' in `team'--now RUN!")

You can't see a horror movie without exercising your willing suspension of disbelief (well, you could, but you'd be annoying). As far as those things go, "Vacancy" isn't too taxing, and most of the victims in the movie are smarter than your average teeny-bopper-victim. No one spends precious minutes thinking maybe they just can't shoot someone while the killer giggles and gains some precious advantage. We don't spend a whole lot of time losing characters to the "stop kidding around" gambit that you learn not to employ if you survive Victim 101. These main characters aren't virgins, but by God, they're making that extra effort to survive. My favorite part is when Luke Wilson's character starts reviewing the snuff films like Kyle Chandler running game tapes on "Friday Night Lights." Because information is the most powerful weapon of all! (Why do I hear the G. I. Joe theme?)

"Disturbia" was probably a little more satisfying. It's from the "Rear Window Rip-Off" school of suspense (is the neighbor a killer, or have I just been in this house for too damn long?), but it's "Rear Window" set inside a John Hughes movie. Kale is a tortured soul. Since he's a teenaged tortured soul, he acts out and gets sentenced to house arrest. His mother cuts the plug off the television, so Kale is reduced to spying on his neighbors for entertainment, and he begins to suspect that one of them is a prolific serial killer. The house arrest is a neat premise, because he's more mobile than Jimmy Stewart AND he gets to give a nice shout out to Martha Stewart. He's also kitted out with some pretty slick video gear, a sexy girl next door, and a goofy friend named Ronnie ("Disturbia"'s answer to Thelma Ritter--although I'm not sure how much common sense Ronnie has). All these characters are perky and plucky and sweet and reasonable. There are moments when Shia LaBeouf as Kale seems to be channeling John Cusak circa "Better off Dead."

The film's is-he-or-isn't-he villain is played with very little ambiguity by David Morse. Morse has come a long way since St. Elsewhere, and I think he's spent the entire intervening time practicing his threatening face in the mirror. He takes his "cop with grudge" character from "House" and turns the threat factor up to 11. Yeah, maybe a little OTT, but we can't all be Raymond Burr. The one device I wish they'd ripped off from "Rear Window" is the part where Stewart falls asleep and we see Burr and "Mrs. Thorwald" leave their apartment. There's one obvious place to apply it in "Disturbia," but since it's the weakest point in the plot, the screenplay wisely opts not to draw our attention to it that way.

There are some things that don't go anywhere, and there are far more characters than are, strictly speaking, necessary (probably only obvious because "Vacancy" is so cunningly spare--or, some might say, "cheap"). But I love "Rear Window" a lot, so the movie gets lots of points for stealing just enough to prove it's stealing out of love. And extra points for any film where someone has to hop to safety. People are always spending precious time and energy loosing their bonds. Hop, damn you! Hop for your life! When you're in mortal danger, is your dignity really that important?

Speaking of dignity, I think I left that at the office, too. I'm not sure what I have left to pack, but it's gonna be a long night.