Me in the Girls Locker Room

Ok, so now that I have your attention (and the attention of a few folks innocently browsing for internet porn who were sadly misdirected to T&S - sorry guys) I'll have to admit that I did not actually make it into the girls locker room. Thank god. Here's what happened.

I was at the health club the other day, early in the morning, getting ready for a 7 mile run. I went to the MEN'S locker room, changed clothes, put my stuff into a locker, locked it, and went upstairs. I got there and realized I had forgotten something. I was fiddling with my mp3 player at the time and not really paying attention to what I was doing. I walked back downstairs and started into the first locker room I came to. I guess the autopilot in my head assumed that the first locker room was good enough. Only it wasn't. It so wasn't. I looked up and realized I was about three steps in the entry way to a locker room that was the wrong color. The right color is the Men's locker room. So the wrong color must be ... oh shit. And then it flashed into my head that something was very wrong. As casually as I could, I bolted back out Casually, coolly. Right. Fortunately, I had not actually turned into the locker room itself, so there was no way I could have seen anyone, but it was a very near thing! It was early enough and I was lucky enough that nobody saw me. Otherwise I would have had to cancel my membership. And I slunk to the men's locker room, thanking non-existent dieties that I hadn't gone in or been seen. And it was at this moment I realized I'm not British.

No all you Anglophiles, stick with me. It's not that I view the British as inveterate peeping Tom's or anything. It's just that the British, as I see them, based almost entirely on what I've seen on TV and movies, well they're very good at being embarrassed, and being sorry. As I was slinking back towards the right locker room I was wondering what if I would have said if someone had seen me. And all I could think of was stuff that sounded British. Stuff like "Oh I'm so very, frightfully sorry. Simply dreadful. Don't know where my head is." "I'm really sorry bout this, truly" and stuff like that. And none of it sounds right unless you've got a British accent. Like John Cleese or something. Try it. Say it to yourself with an American accent. Now say it like John Cleese. Which sounds better? You see?! It just seems that the Brits (at least the ones you see on TV and movies) have got being embarrassed or contrite down to a science, and we Americans just don't know how to do it. The best I could come up with in an American accent would be "whoops - bummer" or "Sorry Dude" or just running for the door. Check out Fish Called Wanda for some great examples of British embarrassment and apology ("I apologize unreservedly" - sure he was dangled out a window at the time but it was still a great apology).

So there are many things we can conclude from this little episode.

First, watch where the hell you're going at the health club.

Seocnd, going into a girls' locker room is not nearly as exciting as you imagined in 8th grade when you were watching Porky's.

Third, if you DO go into a girl's locker room, hope to hell you're British.