Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Hell's Kitchen Too Annoying to Watch

I'll continue watching it, because I have some annoying form of OCD that doesn't let me quit things--put down a book I'm not enjoying, for example (note the foreshadowing) or give up on a movie in the middle. But I have to say, I don't want any of these people to have a restaurant. I don't even want them to have a voice. In fact, if we could just duct-tape their mouths shut for the remaining challenges, that would be great.

I'm tired of Keith imitating slot machines. The actual slot machines are already annoying, but his rendition is like fingernails on a chalk board. I do wonder just how often he does this versus how many times the editors just cut this in to liquefy my brain. Editors, if it's you, mission accomplished. No more. Uncle.

I'm tired of Virginia's airhead routine. Seriously. How many times have you just wanted to ball gag her over the last two episodes? Ten? A dozen? Every time she opens her mouth? In the interests of full disclosure, I know I sound exactly the same after a glass of wine. My question is, where is she getting all the wine, because she seems to be like that all the time.

Sara. Oh my God. Sara. Points for the Vader impersonation, and points for not being a backstabber. (She'll stab you through the heart while you're watching, thank you very much--otherwise she'd miss the look in your eyes.) But every time she manifests delight at someone else's mistake, I just want to see lightning strike her down. As such, she's probably the best qualified person to run a big ol' snooty restaurant.

Maybe the winner should just stay in Hell's Kitchen, where the clientele seems bent on proving the assertion that "hell is other people." Does anyone else think these people are INSANE? I mean, as Hell's Kitchen diners, you do understand that you're the willing pawns in a reality TV show. As such, you should, oh, I don't know, bring some crackers in your tiny-ass purse. Maybe come prepared to drink your weight in alcohol. I would not suggest throwing food in the kitchen, which pretty much guarantees you'll go home hungry.

Maybe they offer them extra money for obscene and/or pissy behavior? Or maybe some hapless production assistant is in charge of actually trolling through LA's enormous stock of very annoying people for the cream of the crop and then offering them dinner at Hell's Kitchen?

Whatever. I hope this is the last season of this program, so that Chef Ramsay can go back to filming "Kitchen Nightmares" (where no one is EVER this annoying, not even the woman who wanted to put peanut butter on salmon). I have a production note or two on that show, too. (Do we really need to see Gordon without his shirt in every episode? I know I don't. Not that there's anything actively wrong with him--it's not like he has a third arm or anything--but it seems to demonstrate a kind of hubris that's less, um, visually stunning than his usual egomania.) But the imperfections of "Kitchen Nightmares" are infrequent and endearing. I'd take it over "Hell's Kitchen" any day.

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