There's a Phone Sex Joke Here Somewhere

Absent men are just so unattractive. In this case, the phone guy. I've just spent 9 1/2 hours waiting for a man to come and install my friend's phone. I have to say, the day wasn't a total loss. Observe. In the 9 1/2 hours that I've been here, locked inside his apartment, I have met two men. Yes, you heard me. Two men. They came and literally knocked on my door. What do you think the catch is?

Well, first, obviously, neither of them was there to hook up the phone.

Secondly, remember what I told you about my friend? That's right. He's in the gay neighborhood of Phoenix (insofar as such a thing exists), one block away from the local gay country & western bar. So the two men who came to the door? Yeah, not so much looking for me. They were his next-door neighbors, and they were there because they were intensely curious about his linoleum. (For the record, my friend would never forgive me if I failed to tell you that he hates linoleum, is totally against it, and will be replacing it with wood-look laminate as soon as humanly possible.)

My guess? The phone man is heterosexual, and was therefore repelled from the apartment, perhaps with an attendant sizzling effect normally seen in vampires on sunny days. He probably didn't even make it within 40 feet of the door. And it's not like he could call to alert me to his predicament.

I'd be upset about giving up my Saturday for nothing, but the truth is that I spent it happily entering one of my periodical comas where I catch up on all my weekly journals. I also spent some quality time with a New York guidebook. Check it out--Chip's guidebook in "On the Town" is evidence of time travel--the guidebook is written in 1905, but recommends that he see the Woolworth Tower. I'm assuming that this is the Woolworth Building (renamed, presumably, because it rhymes with "power"), which wasn't built until 1913.

And that, my friends, explains why I spent my Saturday in a gay man's apartment. What else do you do with a woman who reads a New York guidebook and immediately notes errata in the lyrics of a 1949 musical?