I gotta get me one of these!

Snarfing this post from Dubious Quality (one of the only blogs I read regularly, yes I know that's weird). It's a story about an unbreakable umbrella. They advertise this for self defense - I'm just thinking it may be able to stand up to having 2 kids below age 8 without being destroyed.

Another running thought

Short run today, just 6.2 miles, so short thought.

A few years back I had this running calender where I logged my miles and it had these little inspirational quotes in it to keep me from giving up on running or sawing my own leg off, or any other running related psychotic break. Well one of my favorites was this one...

"The first 20 or 30 minutes are your gift for your body, and the next 20 or 30 minutes are your gift for yourself."

And it had an explanation which I will now provide.

The first 20 or 30 minutes are the most beneficial in terms of cardiovascular health. After 20 or 30 minutes you reach a point of diminishing returns in terms of the good you do for your cardio - I wouldn't say a point of NO returns, because I truly believe someone who can run 20 miles is more fit than someone who runs only 3, but certainly you get a much bigger bang for your buck for those first 3. Which means that...

The next 20 or 30 minutes aren't for health - they're for the joy of running. Your time for yourself, for achievement, or whatever.

Beautiful, really, and right on. And actually inspirational for me, in a small way, as few things are. Except for the part they left out of the quote.

"And the next 2.5 HOURS are ...."

They didn't include that part. How do we account for the 20, 22, 26 mile runs? Here are some possibilities.

"The next 2.5 HOURS are your punishment for all the evil you've done in your past lives."

"The next 2.5 hours are because you never were all that bright, were you?"

"The next 2.5 hours are because that grizzly bear STILL hasn't stopped chasing you"

"The next 2.5 hours are for Ugho, the God of Sweat"

That's all I could come up with on my 1 hour run today. I'll have more the next time I have to run 3.5 hours.

Only the Government can do this Part 2

Ok, so I just have to tell you what happened with my ticket. Those who don't know what I'm talking about, you imaginary New Readers, go and read the first post on this topic below.

Alright, so I waited 14 days, as instructed, to Pay My Fine. Verily, did I wait more! Even unto 20 days did I wait. And then didst I approach the Hungarian Websites of Fire once more, confident in my ability to give gobbeths of money unto The Man. But lo! Once I had gone through the Hungarian fire, I did discover that there was still No Trace of my crime, my fine, or my ability to pay it. It was as if the crime did not exist. At this point shall I abandon ye olde way of talking, for it does tire my tongue and annoy your eyes. So there I am, staring at the computer screen, trying to figure out how to Pay The Fine. And I give up - I decide to Phone It In. I know, dangerous, but what can you do.

So I do it. I Phone It In. And get a message machine telling me that they're sorry, their phone payment option is out of order for the next 14 days. Thank you for calling. Wow. 14 more days - that will put me after my traffic court date and into the Penalty Round where lo, there is an issuance of warrants! (it slipped out, forgiveth me). So in desperation I call the courthouse, hoping that I can speak to a living person and figure out what to do.

I talked with a human being first thing - good sign. I told her my dilemma and she said that their phone payment system is down for 14 days. I said, literally "yes, I got that." I asked her about my mysterious citation that does not appear on their records. She had me read the ticket number and told me that it does not appear on their records. I spoketh not. She then said that they hadn't entered them into the system yet but would in a few weeks. I asked if I need to pay before the court date. She said, in an alarmed voice, Yes! I didn't point out that the court date is before they will have it entered into their records. I did not say "so how is it that you have 3 options of payment, including online payment, phone payment, and mail and yet I only have one way to pay?" I didn't ask how many of my tax (and citation) dollars went to pay for phone and online payment options that exist only for the temporally gifted (those clever guys who can pay in the future and it ends up showing up in the past). I didn't ask her about the inherent weirdness of the situation. No, this is the government. It's not her fault. It's not even that surprising that she sees nothing wrong with the situation. It's just that... Well, I mean, it's just that ....!

I mailed it in.

A few thoughts on running

Today was a 20 mile run. It was an odd one but worthwhile. When I run long distances I get a lot of random thoughts. Some of which will be placed here in the cavernous space that is Thwackum and Square.

On Nutrition.
Runners always get weird about what they eat. You ever notice that? After the run, you have to eat two rutabegas, and before the run, one acorn. And the night before, a rabbit. Or stuff like that. I've had conversations with runners about what we eat the night before a race or a long run. Isnt' that weird? Only runners do that. So we're weird about it. And most runners are very health oriented - go figure. I'm not, but that's another story. You know what I eat? When I'm lucky, a double flamethrower burger and fries from Dairy Queen. Cone is optional. I've done that about 4 times over the years and in each run I've had plenty of energy, no digestive problems, and a good run. I've had healthy food the night before and had no energy, plenty of digestive problems, and crappy runs (yes, I got the double reference there). Believe me, there is nothing like mile 14 out of 18 when you all you can think is "When you're sitting in your Chevy and you're feeling kind of heavy, d.... [you know the words, sing along]". So for some reason my body deals well with junk food, and less well with healthy food. I am an unhealthy runner. Which works just fine. The whole reason I run is because I don't have the self control to regulate what I eat. The rutabegas go against the whole point of running! So Dairy Queen, here I come.

On gratitude.
I got up at 4am for the run today. It was very good weather, and there was a moderate amount of wind. Now wind is a mixed blessing. On the one hand, it cools you down, which you need almost always. On the other, when you're running uphill and into the wind, it's not fun. But what I've decided, about 3 years ago, is that if you're going to be grateful for one part of the wind, you've gotta be grateful for it all. What I mean is that when it cools you off, be grateful, and when you're running up hill into it, be grateful - it's all the same thing so you take the whole package, and be thankful for the whole package. Being a weirdo, I will actually think "thank you" when I feel the wind hitting me. It's as close as I come to communing with nature. Which ain't all that close.

On sleep.
Did I mention the 4am thing?! I am so NOT a morning person. But 3 hours of running feels so much better when you're done about 7:30 in the morning than when you're done at noon, believe me. Well, thing is, I couldn't sleep last night and tossed and turned until about 1am. So I got to do that run on 3 hours of sleep. Which actually didn't feel bad at all. The rest of the day felt crappy - I'm dead tired! But the run itself rocked. Speaking of which, when the alarm went off at 4am I was about 75% convinced to sleep in and do a 14 mile run instead, just to take a break. And then I decided to go ahead and get up and try it, and shorten it if I needed to, and that was a Good Idea cause it rocked. There ya have it.

The next long run I'll try to have some thoughts that are actually interesting, so that you'll have something a bit more stimulating to read. But for now I'm tired, and this is what I thought, so whaddya want? A thesis?

On top down versus bottom up

NOT THAT KIND OF TOP, OR BOTTOM...
No, that's NOT what this post is about - get your mind out of the gutter, you perverts! Oops, I said the soft part loud again :o)

So here's what I've been thinking about (partly because I've been living this, and partly because we're all living this). There are at least two ways for change to be processed or instigated. Or perhaps there are two ways I'm viewing change (perhaps there are infinitely many other ways to view it). One way is top down. It would go like this. Someone at the top says "This situation needs to change, here is my Master Plan for how it will change to address the goals I've set, now go to it and do it." And then with that direction, perhaps with a lot of modification, input, and so forth, change happens. Note that the Master Plan does not have to be enacted exactly as prescribed, that's not implicit in Top Down, but there is a Master Plan, there is a clear Architect (or perhaps architectural committee), and it is, to some extent, orchestrated. When I'm thinking politics I think of the New Deal as perhaps an expression of Top Down change. True, conditions had to be right from the ground up, but you got this guy in office, FDR, and he had these tons of ideas and plans, and he pushed as many of them through as he could, and he made change happen. It was a restructuring and it was deliberate. So that's the way things could happen.SEE CAVEATS BELOW

Then you have change from the bottom up. That's more incremental change driven by group psychology, group action. It's the kind of change that takes place all over the place, with no orchestration, and often without people even realizing it is happening. Think about how the country is currently dealing with the oil crisis. Lots of little stuff happening, here and there. People drive a bit less, they buy energy efficient cars a bit more, they bitch and moan A LOT. The government tries to incentivize this, prohibit that, restrict the other thing. But a lot of those changes appear, at least from a distance, to be disjointed, often ineffectual or token in nature. Change DOES occur, but without the Master Plan or the architect. I think of this kind of change and I think of the Invisible Hand and good ol' Adam Smith. Never mind that the Invisible Hand may be flicking us all off (invisibly), but it's there and it's at work.

Now in my own business life I've seen both kinds of change. We have a Central Office, which is national, which has been hysterically mandating change - very top down. I don't know if there's a Master Plan in place, or if it's just knee jerk paranoia driving it, but aside from that it fits all the other criteria. And then we have bottom up change, driven by the consumers, or the staff, or the interaction of the two. I have come to kind of loathe the top down approach because when someone in Washington decides to tell me how to do my job, even though they have good intentions, they often screw things up on several levels: 1) they assume I don't know how to do my job and they have to tell me (and my staff) how to do it. Sometimes they demonstrate that they clearly know how to do our jobs much less well than we do, and so we are mandated to do things that make no sense. 2) They have no idea (and no way of knowing, or accounting for) the individual circumstances in over 600 national sites that they are dictating to. So even if what they are mandating makes sense overall, it may not make any sense in each local setting. Again we end up with mandates that in our own locality make no sense. 3) (and this may be particular to my setting) what they are TRYING to do is ensure that we do our jobs well. But our jobs are not the kind that you can simply say "do what the manual says" and it ensures they are well done. They THINK that's the case but it just is not. So they end up coming up with more and more regulation that a) does NOT improve our work and b) actually stifles the work that we do need to do.

Wow, what a rambling complaint. But the thing is that I don't think that top down change is necessarily always a bad idea. I think there are some situations that require a degree of top down in order to be resolved. Again, I think of my impressions, based on my very loose education, about the New Deal. Top Down seemed to work then. It seemed outright necessary. It was a situation when sitting back waiting for local control to balance things out was utterly failing, and so you needed that approach. I'm not saying it was all good, or all successful, but it seemed necessary. And so I wonder if there aren't situation in our lives now, such as the oil crisis, the economy (to a lesser extent, perhaps), the mortgage crisis, that could benefit from Top Down leadership. Then I wonder a few more things. First, what would it take to actually have Top Down leadership in these situations. Second, what are the risks of Top Down change. I think that Top Down can be very risky (so can Bottom Up actually, but for different reasons perhaps). The risks are similar to what I face at work, and what we all may face nationally.

Consider.

I believe that the present administration has attempted a Top Down leadership style and it seems to have failed. What I mean is that the present administration seems to have been very much into "do it this way because I said, I don't want to hear any other opinions, and screw the local complexities of the situation." For example, oh I don't know, "Who cares if they had nothing to do with 9/11 or any terrorism, we're invading anyway!" Screams top down to me. Now this may be instructive in a few ways. First, what does it take to be able to do Top Down. I'd say a national crisis helps a lot. 9/11 was such a crisis, and for a time Top Down was quite possible, and they really played it up. New Deal - same thing. Get people scared, poor, dying, what have you, and you can do Top Down. Also doesn't hurt to have majorities in both houses and the Supreme Court. Next, what happens if you have poor leadership in a Top Down situation? Things get bad. My own belief (just my opinion, but what else am I going to write here) is that things are worse now than 8 years ago. My own belief is that some (not all) of this is from poor leadership. Top Down.

So why would I, or anyone, want Top Down change? Well I think that, as I said, some situations may require it. Change, including political, economic, social revolutions, can occur bottom up, no doubt about it. But you can't always afford to wait. Sometimes powerful and good leadership can make things happen faster and perhaps much better. Perhaps if we had good leadership with some guts behind it years back we would not be so dependent on oil right now, for example . (Yes, you could argue that we had great leadership - just leadership that happened to own a lot of stock in oil companies. But that's a different post and one I know even less about). Perhaps if we have good leadership now we can get out of some of these things faster. Perhaps.

So then a lot of other questions: what are the characteristics of a good leader, able to instigate and promote top down change without screwing things up too much? What are the conditions necessary for such a leader to act? Another interesting idea is applying these concepts to change that happens in our own personal lives. What changes have you made, have I made, in your/my life that was top down, i.e., deliberate, orchestrated, goal driven, planful? What changes have we made that have just kind of happened - the accumulation of millions of tiny day to day choices, events, preferences, that have happened without us even realizing it? Are there pros/cons from the two on a personal level that match those on the macro level? Just wondering. More questions abound, but those are at the front of my mind.

Now, IF anyone was reading this, I'd invite them to let me know what they think of this. What ideas they have, and so forth. Normally I'd hesitate to put such a long and potentially political post in a blog when it's out of character, but I figure anyone who comes here is used to some change around (we added a separate author half way through for Chrissakes). And perhaps long and convoluted is better than silence? You be the judge :o)

---

CAVEATS HERE

1) I know very little about the New Deal, or any politics, from an academic sense. So anyone reading this with more sense of history may want to comment and point out some of my glaring errors.

2) As I write this I'm thinking that the whole top-down, bottom-up dichotomy is a construct, just as all ideas are, and may not necessarily be the most useful construct. There may be other ways to categorize change and change forces that could lead to more interesting or fruitful discussions. These are just the ones I'm thinking of at the moment.

Ok, thanks for the caveats, take me Back to the Top

Look what happens when you donate to public radio...

Anyone out there ever listen to Public Radio?

I do. It's a Big Thing out where I live, in the frozen (hot and muggy) north. It's really usually pretty cool - good news, all that stuff that I would have paid good money to avoid before I was thirty. Anyway, because it's "public" radio you have pledge campaigns about 4x a year, and the line is usually something like this: "If you are listening to NPR, you owe it to yourself to become a member (i.e., give us money bastard)." I used to listen to that, think about it carefully, and then solemnly agree. So I'd have to switch the station. Problem solved. But the past few years I've been willing to "become a member" and give money, and it actually feels ok. I do value the service, want to support it, yadda yadda yadda (how many d's in yadda anyway?). So I renewed my membership last week on my cell phone while stuck in traffic (see what happens when you're stuck in traffic??). And today I got this email:

Dear Shifter (well, not Shifter, but place YourName Here),

We needed you and you are there. We are so grateful that you are a member of NPR. At this time of the year, when we're focused on getting just a few more listeners to become contributors, we find ourselves reflecting on you. By being a member, you tell us that you are fully invested in making the world a better place in which to live. Your voluntary choice to do this is inspiring. And I want you to know that we are grateful. Enjoy the news and music. You have made it possible.

Thank you for your generosity and your confidence in the work we do.

Sincerely,

What an email, huh!?! I mean wow! I work in a hospital, where presumably we help change people's lives, and I never ever get this kind of thanks. I must have accidentally sent my kidney in along with the check, because I think they got more than my membership dues for that kind of thank you. Or I put a few too many zeros on the donation amount - am I broke now??

I shouldn't deride it because it's a really nice email. And it did give me that warm fuzzy feeling. Until I realized that I never get that kind of thanks from anyone else for anything I do (well, almost never) and that made me bitter and depressed. Thanks a lot NPR. Sheesh.

But it is a very nice email.

Only the Government can do this

Ok, short story long here.

I got a speeding ticket. It's a doozy. It's $277 if you can believe that. That's like a record. It was a lot over the speed limit, it was in a work zone, and I wasn't paying attention to my speed or the cop sitting there. I'm a dufus, I deserve it. I will Pay The Price. Yup. Not happy but I agree it should be done.

But.

There are a number of options you have to Pay The Price. You can Go To Court. Which involves taking a day off of work to go and sit in a room waiting to be called on to get chewed out for driving like an idiot, and then pay. You can Phone It In, with your claim number and credit card number, or you can Pay Online. How convenient. Now here is the weird part.

The most convenient by far is paying online, right? Except that to do so requires navigating this byzantine labyrinth (yes, I know the labyrinth was Greek, and byzantine was byzantine, but it sounds good together) of websites in order to go to look up your citation, agree to the terms, and then pay the money. The first website you're directed to does not exist. If you're persistent you find the second one, that one exists. But it's written in Hungarian. Or something. Decipher that, then you find out about the Numerous Websites of Fire that you have to jump through. All so you can then pay your $277. Now if you manage to succeed in your quest, you may just be told that your ticket number is not on file. The website will not tell you why. Don't ask, it's none of your business. The little piece of paper that the cop may or may not give you does tell you, when you read the fine print, after you've gone through the Websites of Fire, that it can take 14 days for your ticket to show up on their system. So wait for another 14 days, then come back and do it all again. And then you can pay them. $277.

Now I know, truly, that this is a situation in which I am the Bad Man who needs to Pay my Fine to Society and I will do so. But it's just weird that here I am, wanting to give a substantial amount of money to someone for speeding, and I can't do it. Not only can't I do it, I have to ##$% around on the internet for half an hour to find out I can't do it. And that's what only the Government can do - make you dick around for half an hour to find that you don't have the privilege of paying your fine to them just yet - please come back in 2 weeks and do it all again. Nobody else who wants my money does that. I think I could give $277 to almost anyone else on or off the internet with a minimum of hassle. Just not my local traffic court.

I don't even want to know what would have happened if I had tried the Phone It In option.

I'd probably still be on hold.

Ok, another funny video

Ok, well this is a lame post, but if you happen to look here, you deserve to see something funny. Check out this Youtube video - quite funny! Also this one is safe for work, your parents, or any other occasion. You do see a nipple, but it's a guy's nipple, so we're all going to be ok.

On a side note, the scale is up to its old tricks again. I weigh, 203, no wait, 199, nope, 198, yup, pretty sure it's 198. For the moment. I swear there must be cosmic fat that just adheres to my body at random times, then vanishes, causing instant weight fluctuations. The cosmic fat molecules (CFM) seem to be able to detect camera lenses though. They glom on to me en masse (or is it just in mass in this case) right before any photo is taken. Usually on my chin. But that's neither here nor there. Well it's there, on my chin, but it's not here, as in, in this blog. You see.

Ok, enough prevarication, enough agony of waiting - here it is! The One Semester of Spanish Spanish Love Song!!!!

Barren Wasteland

I suppose there should be a counter somewhere on the internet to track the number of blog posts and even emails that are posted or sent solely to fill up empty space. Between some blog posts there is a vast wasteland of empty space, with no trace of voice, or mind, or thought. We here at Thwackum and Square have made the cultivation of this space between posts a veritable cottage industry. In fact, we've considered renting out some of our space between posts to other, more cluttered blogs. Some blogs, the kinds with multiple posts per day, have shown quite a bit of interest in the empty fields and rolling hills of nothingness in Thwackum and Square. They've intimated that they, too, would like a life and if they could just have some of our space in their blog they would have room for one. I've told them repeatedly that real life is overrated, but the grass is always greener, as they say. We're hesitant to mess up the pristine whiteness of our blog space, but hey, we've gotta make a living. But I digress.


So I know what you're thinking. You're thinking "this is exactly one of those posts he's talking about - one of the space filling posts that is inferior and a waste of time because it has no substance!" But no, you're wrong, and I'll tell you why! This is indeed a space filling post, but it is NOT inferior, because none of our other posts have substance! So this space filling post is on par with the best of our earlier posts, and thus cannot be lambasted! So there!

But seriously folks, or folk (depending on how many people actually read this), to add some substance I'll now link a few funny YouTube videos. These are NOT necessarily safe for work, or those with good taste. One is, well, loosely translated, "I'm doing Matt Damon" and is funny. The second is a companion piece that, loosely translated, is called "I'm doing Ben Aflec," and the final one is even funnier, unrelated to the first two, and is loosely translated as "My Mr. Johnson in a cardboard container". View at your own risk.

Matt Damon:


Ben Aflec:


It's in a box:

Here it is!

Ok, well I couldn't wait. I didn't scan the bookmark, instead I found the same slogan on a frisbee! I mean this is even better, right? What could be cooler than a flying disk encouraging our youngsters to reach for the stars, not drugs!

So short story long here. My daughter, who is 6, brought home a bookmark from school with lots of pretty colors and a bright letters encouraging her to REACH FOR THE STARS. Cool. Then, right underneath, a smaller and less impressive admonition: "not drugs."

At which point I died laughing. I mean I suppose I should be grateful. Here I was, thinking I should be responsible for teaching my 6-year-old to avoid drugs! But no, thankfully that task is not mine! It belongs to the bookmark makers! And now I find, also, the frisbee makers. Whew, that's a load off of my shoulders, let me tell you. But then I think, wait, even if it's not my job anymore to help keep my child from using drugs by say, talking to her about drugs, telling her not to use them or maybe even, gasp, no, trying to make sure she's got the mental resources to avoid being trapped by drugs anyway; even then, something bugs me. A niggling doubt. Just a glimmer of a concern. What could it have been. Was it, oh I don't know .... Satan! No, no, wait, sorry, wrong skit. Not Satan. But maybe something like, Stupidity!

I mean, really, reach for the stars, not drugs!?! WTF? "I was about to hit the crack pipe again but THEN I remembered "reach for the stars, not drugs" so instead I joined the Corporate America Dad!" How exactly is that one going to work? "Just Say No" didn't work. Isn't that great, by the way? Here is the DARE program, the program of the nation to keep kids of drugs. And it consisted in large part of telling kids not to do drugs. That was about it. And it didn't work. Sorry Nancy, but the facts is the facts. But I think I know now why it failed .... Wait for it ..... Yup, the frisbees. I can't remember any Just Say No frisbees. Or bookmarks. Silly buggers were just asking for failure when they forgot the frisbees.

But still, even with the frisbees, and the bookmarks targeted for 6-year-olds, I think our slogan manufacturers have a hell of a job wiping out teenage drug use. So perhaps we can help them! I think "Reach for the stars, not drugs" is a good start, but we can do better! What else can we come up with?

I'll try a few, and you can all join in as you think of them:

"Give a hoot, don't pollute (or do drugs)"

"Let's take a bite out of crime (and not do drugs)"

"When the going gets tough, the tough get going but without drugs"

Surely you can see the potential here?! Help me out, post a few of your own new anti-drug slogans and we can all take a bite out of drug use! (Yuhmmmmm, pot brownies).

One little caveat I just have to put in here (damn guilty conscience). I realize that what I typed above may sound really belittling about drug problems, and that was not my intent. Drug addiction can be really incredibly awful in some people's lives, and it is a complex problem that has, among other things, social, psychological, and economic roots that are not necessarily solved by "good parenting." I guess my point is mainly that as complex as it is, I'm just really really sure it is not going to be solved even a little by good slogans. Or even bad slogans. The whole thing just reeks of people not having the knowledge or will to take on a really difficult task and so falling back on moralistic platitudes so that they can say they've "done something." Yuck. But I still want to hear your slogans. Reach for the stars!

I've got a great one coming...

I just saw a bookmark that I just have to blog about. It's awesome. But it's so awesome I want to scan it and paste it, so you'll all have to wait a day or so. Yes, it's an actual paper bookmark, the kind you use in books. The paper ones. Remember those? Before the days of Netscape and Firefox?

So anyway this is just a teaser and a reminder to myself - write about the bookmark!

WTF is with this...

For the last few days, when I try to access my good ol' gmail account, I get a message that looks something like this....

It would seem that the gmail, and by extension the mighty Google Empire, is not functioning at 100%. Now I am an understanding fellow, and in fact try to be understanding about things like server errors whenever they pop up. We're only human, after all. Well they're not, the servers that is, but presumably there is some only human person involved who presumably is screwing up and leading me to get this message somehow. Or some whole group of billions of people all desperately checking their gmail at once that is causing the not-only-human server to foul up, or just something like that. So, yeah, I understand, and I'll take this in a zen-like, ultra-calm, super-cool stride. Yup. It's just that, well, bugger. Just bugger. What am I supposed to do without email?! How on earth do I get by? Everything is about email these days. At least, everything related to daily text based communication with friends, associates, and organizations who do not routinely use the phone. And that's a lot! Very nearly everything! And now thanks to someone out there, or something out there, being only human, I'm deprived of nearly everything! And I don't like that. Just bugger!

So, the moral of the story is that if you happen to be emailing me, waiting for a reply, counting on some response, wondering where I am, fuming at the delay, remember something. It's not my fault! It's Google. The Man! Sticking it to me! To you! To all of us! About very nearly everything! Thank god I've got this other forum of electronic communication, Blogger, with which to communicate with you. Thank god there is still one avenue of contact available to me! Thank god for Blogger, brought to you by, uhmmm, Google. Bugger.

Happy Holidays!

It's Xmas day, and I'd like to wish a happy holiday, of whatever sort, or a happy lack of holiday (in which case, just a happy day), to any and all readers out there. And heck, even if you're not a reader I wish you a happy day. This has been a good year for ol' Shifter and fam, and I hope it was a good year for all of you, and is an even better one.

Peace!

This is just frightening!

And really, really funny. Scalzi's blog is pretty well known, so you've probably read it, but if not check it out.

Also check out the good ol' Flying Spaghetti Monster while you're at it, of course.

I don't know where modern comedy would be without creationists. I know, I shouldn't be so cynical. I was probably just made that way.

Shifter gets a comment!

So I was randomly looking on the blog, hoping to find that Katy had posted something (Katy, where are you??) when I noticed I got a comment! That's right, somebody read and responded to a post! Thank you, dear commenter, for your thoughts.

You see, on those rare occasions I post I try to think of who I'm writing to, and I draw a big blank, and I figure that's probably because that's who is reading the posts, a big sea of blank, i.e., a big lack of people. So then I have to somehow imagine a population of readers to whom I can address the posts. And as I'm not very imaginative I run out pretty quickly after Mickey Mouse and Daffy. Mickey and Daffy are nice enough guys, mind you, but they're not always the most attentive for the long posts.

But I was thinking about them, and all my other imaginary readers, and my 1 real reader (!) this morning when I stepped on The Scale. The Scale has been capricious lately. It turns out that while running two marathons in 2 months will help you lose weight, resting for a week after a marathon, while you continue to eat as if you're training, will help you put all that weight right back on again. The Scale was almost gleeful as it informed me of this. "204.0," it purred at me one morning. What! No way! Step off, step back on, hope it changes it's mind. Not this time. "I said, 204.0, and if you step on me again, I'll up it to 206." I jumped off the scale and walked away, a shaken, fatter man. So I started running again, tried (not very successfully) to reduce my food intake, and came back a few days later (this morning). "201" it said. Either I lost a ton of weight, very very fast (doubtful), or The Scale needs more lithium. Sigh.

By the way, I feel compelled to note that I Am Tall. What I mean is, yes 200 is a lot of weight, but if I was a stick I'd weight 190 or so, so I'm not actually huge. Don't know why Mickey and Donald needed to know that, but it's better to be clear.

Well, Happy Holidays, of whatever stripe, or just Happy Days (without Fonzee) to those who don't do holidays, to all, and to all a good, well, you know.

Something I hate...

You know what I hate? The Good Old Days. I really, really hate them. Not just them, no, more than that. I hate the concept of the Good Old Days. It idea that the old days, by virtue of being old, perhaps, are of necessity good. I get so annoyed when people wax nostalgic about how simple, how clean, how hearty, just how goshdarned right the old days really were. "When men were real men and women were real women and small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri ...".

Let me give an example. People are always complaining about how society is losing sight of its basic family values, how we've lost this or that principle, this or that right, this or that whatever. It used to be we had Communities! It Used to Be we had Respect! It Used to Be we had Family Values! Family Values are a big favorite of mine, let me tell you.

So why do I hate the Old Days? Well, because I think they're mostly a sham. What else did we Used to Have? Let's set the Wayback Machine for the 1940's! Good Family Values then, right? World basically a better place, one assumes? Oh wait! There was that World War thingie. Lots and lots of people died, didn't they? I seem to recall reading about it. And then there was this, what was it called? Oh yeah! The Holocaust! Lots of people died, but I bet more of them had family values!

Well, maybe we need some less Old Days then that. Let's look at the 60's. *Gasp* No, shut the window, let's not look there. Just too freaky. How about the 70s? Lots of good stuff then! Vietnam was a real highpoint. Thank god we had those values. And let's not forget about the clothes! If nothing else, plaid does scream Respect. I have to give you that.

So maybe we should set the Wayback machine further back, then. How about just a few years ... oops, hit the Great Depression .... back a bit more .... there's World War I, lovely time .... bit more ... oh here we are wiping out the Native Americans, well done indeed .... going back a bit more .... and so forth. Right back to the Inquisition, the Black Death, and so on. After a while maybe it's time we just take the Wayback machine out back and shoot it.

Sometimes when a person starts reminiscing about family values, I think about all of the patriarchy, cruelty, abuse, and shame that have been hidden behind those values for generations. And other times I think of the Brady Bunch. I'm not sure which ones frighten me more. I mean, there are great things in family values, there really are. It's just that there is also all of this crap hidden behind them as well. In some ways it's the same crap that people are decrying as they're calling for the Return of Family Values.

Now my point is not that the Old Days were just the worst things ever. And it's not that today is the best day yet. It's just that reflecting on the past with dewy eyed nostalgia has got to be one of the easiest and most blatant forms of selective attention, and consequent self-delusion, that I can think of. It's so easy to pick out those few things we think were there and we think we liked, and ignore all the things that were also there and that were just godawful. We've got godawful things today too. No doubt about it. And it is beyond disappointing. We have a monkey as the leader of the free world. We're fast-baking the environment. But that doesn't make the past any less horrible than the present. Or the present any less fantastic than the past.

Just remember, 40 years from now our children are going to be whining about the first decade of 2000, the Good Old Days.

You've been nominated for Who's Who in America

Anyone ever get an email with that title? I've gotten one once or twice. The email looks like this.

Dear ,

It is my pleasure to inform you that you are being considered for inclusion in the upcoming 2009 Edition of Who's Who in America^®, which is scheduled for publication in October 2008.

Since 1899, when A.N. Marquis published the First Edition of Who's Who in America, business people, researchers, educators, students and others have relied upon its accuracy and currency of information. As we look forward to the publication of our 63rd Edition BLA BLA BLA BORING BORING BLA BLA

To be considered for inclusion in this prestigious publication, you need only provide the requested information by completing our secure and easy-to-use online BLA BLA BORING BLA

The information you provide will be evaluated according to the selection standards Marquis Who's Who has developed over 100 years as the world's premier biographical publisher. If your data passes our initial screening, we will prepare your biography in Marquis Who's Who format and send you a pre-publication proof for your verification and approval.

I congratulate you on the achievements that have brought your name to the attention of our editorial committee. We look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,

Yadda Yadda.

(I did edit it a little bit, I bet you couldn't tell). When you get it, you get this little hiccup inside. It's like "They like me, they really like me!" Until you realize that they don't even know who you are.

In my case, it's like this. I'm not a somebody, and I'm not a Who's who. I'm a Who's That. As in "who's that over there at our exclusive party and how did he get in here and how do we get him out." Or something. So you get this email and you figure, how much are they going to charge you. And it says they don't (in a post script I didn't bother to paste here). So then you figure, do I have some old high school buddy working for WW that would put my name in as a joke? And then you realize, you only have one old high school buddy, and she writes a brilliant blog and works in a different industry and would tell you if she was working for WW (right, Katy, right???).

So what I figure they do is go through and pick out everyone, say, who has a PhD, or everyone who has published anything just about anywhere. And if they do that, they'd come up with me, just barely. I mean if someone from WW read something I published that pushes the numbers of people who have read my work up to, oh, about one reader. I am definitely among those who is "published" but not at all "read." Even a little. So I should probably be thankful some poor bastard at WW is paid to see if I've published anything. But that doesn't make me a Who's Who. Still pretty much a Who's That.

Not that there's anything wrong with being a Who's That, mind you. Most of us are, right? Let's hear a big rousing cheer from all the Who's Thats out there reading this (thank you both, loyal readers). The tricky thing is sometimes you get this feeling like you're a Who's Who, and that's a dangerous feeling. You start to feel like you're joining the elite club of people who have Made It. Don't ask me where they've Made It to. I really don't know, cause I haven't Made It there. I mean I've made it, if you know what I mean (nudge nudge, wink wink, say no more) but not in the capitalized sense. It feels a little bit like being invited to sit at the cool kids table in mid school. I imagine. And when you think of it that way, there's really only one thing for someone like me to do with an email like this.
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Delete.

Quote of the Day

Shifter here.

First off, no, there will be no regular quote of the day.

But there is one for today.

"No one knows the reason for all this, but it is probably quantum."
-- Terry Pratchett

What a lovely explanation for all that is unexplained - I'm sticking with this one for a while.

How to win friends and influence people ... on line?

Shifter here.

So here's something I have never understood. You read these blogs, and the people blogging mention all these great people they've met through email correspondence or blogging responses or online gaming or whatever. And it always sounds really cool. But then I think, how do they do that? I mean there are two parts to that. First is, how did they do that as in, how did they manage to get all these people emailing them and connecting and so on. Cause I've done the online gaming thing, and let me tell you, it's a big leap from "Go to the corner to shoot the green Thingum after I cast the Zappit spell" to "So who's your favorite author anyway? Perhaps we should converse about this more extensively via email?" So that's question one. But question two is, how do they do that? I mean you're talking with these people, in some cases extensively, and you've never seen them! You've never even heard them! For all you know, they've got three heads! They could have three heads, each with its own online identity and you could know two of them! Or they could have a voice that is just so loud and awful it shatters glass. Or they could be an ax murder. And you may not happen to approve of those who slay innocent axes. But you have no way of knowing it. None. And don't you worry that maybe the person you're getting so close to online is someone you'd really hate off-line? I had a friend once who actually traveled to meet some online friends in person. I thought she was the bravest person in the world cause who knows how many heads or axes or whatever they might have had with them! It turned out fine, but who could have known!?

So I know that these kinds of concerns mark me as a shallow person. Which is odd because I am not usually accused of that (that I notice, anyway; it's always possible that they do accuse me in some deep way I'm too shallow to understand). I guess it's just that as much as I value words and ideas when it comes to relationships it feels like there is more to a person than words and ideas. I have no idea if that makes sense to anyone else. Perhaps I should really just try to work on that idea, try to take it apart so it doesn't get in the way. And I think I can do that, if I try. So if there are any three headed, ax-killing, high pitched sounding odd-balls out there with some interesting ideas, feel free to write. It'll help me break down my prejudices and grow into the digital age.

And I hope you all realize that it's always possible that I'm a three-headed ax-killing, high-pitched sounding weirdo who is paradoxically trying to lure you into a false sense of security by voicing these concerns. And if so, not a bad idea, eh? Both of my other heads agree.

My scale needs lithium

Shifter again.

Not to obsess too much on the scale (too late), but I've decided I happen to have the only digital scale I know of with a diagnosable mental disorder. That's the problem with smart electronics - as soon as they get too smart they get a personality, and as soon as they get a personality they can have a disorder. Mine has Bipolar Disorder. I mean seriously, very wild mood swings. Let me give you an example.

Last night I got on the scale. He was in a grumpy mood. I mean downright peevish. I step on the scale and he kind of snarls and ponders, then spits out "207". No way. I mean no way! That would mean I'd gained 10 pounds in the previous 4 days. I don't even think I ate 10 pounds of food in that time. I try to explain this to the scale, reason with him. Then I remember my previous post (and so do you, right? Because you've been reading them all and we love you for it, you imaginary people you!) and decide to try it again. Well, he's willing to give me a 3 pound drop. Now I'm only 204. Still a 7 pound gain. And this time he's dug in his heels. He was mad enough giving me the extra 3 pounds and he's not changing his mind. I've officially gained 7 pounds. Ouch.

So this morning I get up, go for a 7 mile run, come on in, and notice the scale is kind of smiling at me. Almost a conspiratorial kind of smile. If it had an eye, it would have winked. Don't ask how it smiles without a mouth, that's a long and almost metaphysical essay that's way too involved for our present topic. So anyway, there he is smirking without a mouth, winking without an eye, and I figure what the hell. I step on. Good morning, he chirps, today you weight 199. Wow, I think. Dropped 5 pounds in 1 night's sleep and 1 run. Pretty amazing. Better double check. So I step back on. Oh, alright you big charmer, he hums at me, you really weigh 196.5. And that's the story he sticks to for the rest of the morning. I know cause I keep asking him, stepping on again and again. To the point I'm almost late to work. 196.5, 196.5, 196.5. Heck, I'm lucky the wind didn't blow me away before I made it into the building, a skinny fellow like me!

So clearly either my body is just oozing on, and then dropping off, pounds of fat every other hour, or my scale needs professional help. Lithium should do the trick. How to force the pills down the metaphorical mouth, not to mention obtain the required blood level tests, is still undetermined. I'll keep you posted.