What is it exactly that the Spartanburg County Sheriff's Office needs all those sex toys for, anyway? Clearly their employer is less dedicated to work-life balance than one might hope. Or maybe the county is actually more than usually dedicated to work-life balance. I can't decide.
Seriously, Mr. Davenport, we get it. No, really, we women want to be on your side, truly. Men are totally, absolutely necessary for our sexual fulfillment. It's just that you're so damned unreliable (by which I mean anything ranging from "sleepy" to "absent"), easily tired, and, frankly, just bad at breathing underwater--probably has something to do with that pesky evolution thing. Mr. Davenport... Ralph... I'm afraid this is the very situation for which the phrase, "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em" was invented. I strongly suggest that you hie yourself down to the local sex toy emporium (or maybe just to the local sheriff's office) and pick out something pretty. Because you're not going to win this one. All you're doing is crippling one of the strongest parts of any community's local economy and making the Internet strong enough to crush you like an eggshell.
But, you know, it's your call.