A Meditation On Meditation

So I've been mighty lax about blogging lately. I've started to feel a kind of stress and emotional upset that is familiar to me, and not in that "hale friend, well met" kind of way, but more in that "oh, crap, not again" kind of way. I'm very happy in Brooklyn, and I'm looking forward to spending time in a place with actual seasons, so I'd rather not spend the next few months looking for a reason to get out of bed.

To that end, I've been trying to make some changes. One of the things I'm trying is meditation. I actually got sent to a six-week meditation seminar by my insurance company back when I was in grad school. Apparently my doctor, who was in most ways appallingly negligent, cottoned onto the fact that failing a comprehensive exam (I subsequently passed, but failure is never fun), relinquishing my long-held assumption that I would become an English professor at a venerable institution, and trying to support my mother through open-heart surgery might be just a little much for me. The meditation class was really, really good for me, and although I would not say that it made me happy, I ended up learning a lot about myself, and I followed some of my understanding through with positive changes.

And then I inexplicably dropped the whole meditation thing because I was too stressed. It sounds counterintuitive, but then the whole concept of meditation is counterintuitive. (I'm stressed and I feel like I should be doing something about it, and you're telling me to sit still and relax for an hour every day. If I could sit still and relax for an hour every day, I'd already be a lot less stressed!)

So I've committed myself to trying an eight-week home program of meditation using CD's, and so far (after five days) the experience is mixed, but positive. I've encountered two major problems. The first, which I'd anticipated, is that the second I sit quietly for a moment, my brain decides to interrupt me with about 8,000 things that it's been saving up. "Oh thank goodness you stopped moving!" it says, "now you must have a moment to listen to me freak out about all the shit you haven't done and judge you for a whole bunch of things you might have forgotten and can't do anything about. I've also been meaning to discuss the future with you. It's going to suck."

Trivial thoughts, shopping lists, money anxieties, the fervent desire to buy a condo, and a flurry of thoughts about how worthless I am all jostle for attention in a disorganized but highly effective attack. Occasionally my brain also comes up with a really juicy Bad Thing that happened at work. At least one thing happens at work weekly that makes me livid or embarrassed or ashamed, and my brain enjoys replaying these episodes in loving detail the second I close my eyes. As distracting and depressing as these thoughts are, it's actually easier to deal with them while meditating (where there's a prescribed way to treat the intrusive thoughts) than it normally is. Usually all these things come up when I'm in bed trying to sleep. Not surprisingly, it's been easier to sleep over the last few days, too.

Which leads me to my second problem. I keep falling asleep during the meditation CD. There's something really stressful about falling asleep when you're supposed to be meditating. On the one hand, you're trying to relax, and if you're asleep, well, mission accomplished. But you're also trying to make it through this 8-week program, and if you've bothered with the 8-week program, there is probably something bothering you that you'd like to improve. If it could be improved by sleeping, you'd probably have gotten a prescription for Ambien or Lunesta or whatever, or just had a loved one hit you over the head with a frying pan. In my case, I was terrified that if I slept for even one extra second during the day, I wouldn't be able to sleep at night, so when I fell asleep during the meditation, I the special kind of freakout reserved for the sleep-deprived. You know, the kind where logic is replaced with exponentially multiplying predictions of disaster, even if the "problem" is that you've solved a problem or that you've found a mitten on the ground. Fortunately, my fears were unfounded--I'm sleeping much better this week, even though I'm still regularly conking out during the time I've set aside for meditation.

There is a body scan meditation (where you progressively "experience" and relax each part of your body). It starts at the toes, and if you manage to follow along, I guess it probably ends at the top of your head. I'm guessing, because I haven't made it that far yet. The first time I tried it, I was snoring before I relaxed my ankles. I've been staying more conscious each time. Tonight I didn't actually fall asleep, but my mind wandered off during the last five minutes or so of the meditation. I won't say that it's progress (because meditation is, theoretically, intrinsically goal-free), but it's kind of interesting to watch.

I won't bore you with it a whole lot, but I'll keep you posted. If nothing else it will keep me honest for the 8 weeks if I know someone might ask me how it's going.