Where are my pantyhose?

Shifter here. Haha--just kidding. It's actually Katy, and I'm wondering where my pantyhose are.

Not mine, specifically. I know where they are. But where are the pantyhose made for lily-white Irish people? I ask, because as a lily-white person of Irish extraction, I'm getting tired of "nude" colors that are actually only "nude"-colored for considerably darker-skinned people. When I wear them, I look like I've affected the habit of wearing chihuahua skins on my legs. It's extremely noticeable, since my face, arms, and neck are all neon white, and my legs are a rich brown. It's not attractive.

I realize that, in a way, this is payback for the band-aid. But I would humbly submit that band-aids are not required work attire for most jobs that I'm aware of. (And when they are required, I think they're usually blue, which at least has the virtue of matching no one except the Blue Man Group.)

A brand called "Assets" from Target used to make pantyhose for the extremely pale, but now they've basically forsaken pantyhose for "shapewear," which is essentially the 21st century's answer to the chastity belt. I've combed all the local department stores, and I can only find "nude" colors for people with a healthy tan glow, a glow which is forbidden to those of us who have had encounters with skin cancer. Now the only brand that I know of that makes a color that approximates my skin tone is Hue, and Hue pantyhose are $7 a pair. (Half the cost of Assets, it must be noted, but I do have to order them in from out of town, which is a bummer.)

I used to feel really sorry for the guys at work for having to wear ties, but suddenly I feel that we've achieved workplace equality.